Mother’s Day 2023: Lessons on love and loss 42 years later

Chronicling my family’s mental health and healing story as I write my memoir

It’s Mother’s Day. Today I was journaling and contemplating the complicated relationship I’ve had with Mother’s Day since losing my mother and grandmother in 1981. I was 14, and my twin sisters were 7. Clearly this level of loss changed our lives forever. It’s been 42 years since they died, and I’ve spent many of them in mourning.

I never know how Mother’s Day will land on me. Only after I started writing, speaking, and doing my own work have I been able to elevate my perspective. I was stuck and frankly ashamed of how they both died (my mother to suicide, my grandmother to alcoholism). We didn’t have language back then about the collective trauma that our people have carried and passed on from generation to generation. We were not able to talk about mental health in the more forwarding and loving ways that we have access to now. So I just labeled my upbringing as wrong and bad. And therefore, I, as a product of my environment, was also wrong and bad, and flawed, and not enough.

For years I even felt guilty if I wasn’t laid out with grief on Mother’s day. Today I am in deep gratitude. For God granted me protection, favor, and a bevy of Earth Angels who stood for and with us when we were most vulnerable. Starting with my cousin Annette, who took me into her family of 4 children (making me #5) during my turbulent teen years. In addition to having the deep losses and ultimately being separated from my younger twin sisters, I was also doing the things that teens do to push the limits, and she stood with me through it all. My cousin Ednita, the eldest of the trio of Ednita, my mother Yvonne, and Annette — all “best cousins” whose moms were sisters and were born the same year. Ednita and her amazing hubby Bruce were my anchors as well, and the families together made sure that I got into one of the best colleges in the country.

This clan is amazing and mighty, and though we don’t see each other as often, I am so grateful for our continued bond. I was also blessed with 3 amazing surrogate grandmoms, who have all gone on to heaven, and I’m sure they are smiling down on our clan.These women provided love, stability and opened their arms to me and my family as we grew. God truly gives us who we need.

Now that I’ve been a mom for nearly 30 years, it’s important for me to see all of the ways in which God gave me who I needed in order to be a good mom, since I lost my mother and grandmother when I was so young. My own healing and therapy were important parts of my journey, which is why I started this blog and am working on my book project to honor these amazing women. My daughter and son have grown into good, responsible people, and I’m grateful for how our relationships have evolved over the years. I truly have much to be grateful for.

Trina Ramsey is an executive coach, author and nonprofit executive, residing in the San Francisco Bay Area. She launched the Just Do You Institute for Women’s Empowerment for women over 40 who are ready to live on their own terms. Her family memoir, untitled as of yet, will pay homage to the strong women who helped her to emerge and thrive in spite of our traumatic past. Connect via IG at mycoachtrina