My mother is my hero. Reframing my shame about her death.

My mom was an amazing, fun, brilliant woman, whose blood courses through my veins. Today she would have been 77. But unfortunately she only lived to be 35, after years of waging a war with her own mind, and eventually succumbing to suicide. I have been working on a memoir about the impact of mental illness in our family, and now I finally can truly see her for the light she brought to our world, however brief.

For most of my life I have only looked at the bad, at the loss, and what it meant to lose a mother so tragically. I treated my mother’s memory as if she was someone to be ashamed of. Like she wasn’t strong enough to overcome her illness. I now know so much better. I have done a lot of work on myself to embrace my past, and pay homage to the woman who gave birth to me and my beautiful and talented sisters. Today I’m doing just that.

What I gained from Yvonne:

• My brilliant mind. I’m proud of how smart I am, and my intelligence served me well in my life. She passed on to me the ability to learn and process information, and the aptitude towards puzzles, games, brain teasers and other geeky pursuits. I’m a nerdy chick in her 50s, and I got that special sauce from Yvonne.
• My Fun loving spirit. Although I was only 14 when my mother passed away, I remember how she laughed and smiled and sang. She would make up songs while she was cooking, and loved playing practical jokes. She had this smile that turned the corners of her mouth upside down. I see it in my children from time to time, and it makes me realize she is still with me.
• My Passion for Life. I am a passionate person. I live full out and give my all to the people and pursuits I love. My mother in her happy times was full of life and everyone around her could feel it. She had a beautiful singing voice, and even joined my stepfather’s band during rehearsals sometimes.
• Being a foodie. I loved watching my mom in the kitchen. She had a few signature dishes, including chicken cacciatore, pepper steak, meatloaf and stuffed green peppers. Although I don’t cook every day, the culinary talent got passed down to my daughter, who is truly gifted! I also love to eat and try new restaurants and recipes.
• Love for family. I am grateful about the tribe I came from. We have a huge extended family where love flows bountifully like a river. The bonds that my grandmom and mom formed keep us connected to a huge clan that spans the country. Though I don’t see them often, I am so grateful for how I learned to lead with love.
• My beauty. I resemble my mom a lot, and even inherited a set of moles just below my left eye that both she and my grand mom carried in the same spot. I remember realizing that as a teen and feeling very special. Though my glasses obscure the moles, sometimes when I look in the mirror, seeing them remind me of the amazing line of stong black women that I am from

Mommy, thank you for giving me the amazing gifts and talents, and the lessons I learned from you even at a young age. I am proud to continue on your legacy, and I thank God for giving me the opportunity to truly appreciate all that you gave to this world, even though you left us far too soon.